Baja California Story

A brief summary of the trip….we stayed in San Diego Tuesday night. I drove in early for a meeting I had during the day and had to wait around until after 12:00am CA time for Marianne, Leo, and Joe to arrive. After debating on staying at Marianne’s friend’s apartment or a hostel for over a week and not deciding until 1:00am late Tuesday night Eliza talked us into staying at her place…thanks Eliza.

We got up early Wednesday morning, bought Mexican car insurance online, made a few pit stops for food and to print the insurance, and were on our way to Mexico. After passing through Tijuana, we took the scenic route on the coast and it was beautiful. We drove through mountains and on top of cliffs over looking the water. We stopped for a little bit in Ensenada to look around and so Joe and I could get tacos….although I think we settled on a road beer instead. A couple hours later we passed over the rough roads into Erendira and to our destination, Coyote Cal’s hostel. The hostel was pretty empty so we all decided to splurge and get beds (rather than camp outside) from the unsociable manager. We received a tour from an old guy that seemed to think he knew everything and later informed me that he was an “elder” of an Indian tribe….oh, and he’s Caucasian and lives in California. Evidently Two Crows goes into Indian tribes and teaches the Indians the ways of their people. According to him it’s because they have lost touch with their heritage, but who knows if he’s just going in there and screwing them up even more…..and yes, he refers to himself as “Two Crows.” After this, we hitched a ride into town to get something to eat. The town consisted of a few tiny grocery stores and a restaurant. We grabbed a few beers and brought them into the restaurant with us and sat down to eat. After we ate we bought a few groceries to cook later in the hostel’s kitchen and headed back to the hostel, had a few beers at the hostel’s “barefoot cantina” and went to sleep for the night.

The first night’s sleep was pretty rough because I shared a dorm room with Joe under the kitchen of the hostel in the basement. I was kept up by people walking around above me and I almost fell out of the bunk a few times. In the morning (Thanksgiving) Joe and I went for a walk to see the rock full of sea lions going nuts with their “oart, oart” sounds and then we headed on to see the vortex that was on the beach. It was in a pretty cool location on the beach and you could sit in it and get a great look of the ocean and coast. When we returned to the hostel Marianne and Leo were up so we ate some pancakes that our buddy, Two Crows had made and then the 4 of us took off on a hike down the coat to “Long Beach.” Before we left, Two Crows mentioned that there would be an Indian “sweat lodge” at noon and we should try to make it back for it. We ended up getting as far as the vortex before turning back. It turned out that the Indian that was going to head the “sweat lodge” was ill so they postponed it until the following day. This, of course, irritated us so we hitched a ride in a really expensive RV to a village of houses near Long Beach. We made it to Long Beach and Joe went swimming while Leo, Marianne, and I ate some food and took a nap in the sand. After a while, we headed back and unfortunately weren’t able to hitch a ride so we had to walk the whole 5 miles. We got back to the hostel just in time for Thanksgiving dinner! I ate some of the best, juiciest turkey and homemade cranberry sauce that I have ever had….and the stuffing wasn’t too bad either. This was way better than the tacos Joe and I had the previous year in Alamos….and I’m sure Joe felt a little better this year too! We stuffed ourselves until we couldn’t eat anymore…or atleast I did and then it was cantina time. There were some terrible acoustic guitarists so Joe took over and amazed everyone with his musical genius. He was backed up on bongos by a really cool Indian named Tom that has evidently played drums for some big acts. Really, it was pretty amazing….the French Canadian girls were going crazy! And so was an old man named Wayne. He befriended Joe, made a few Johnny Cash requests, and told Joe he was like a son to him. Meanwhile, I had spotted two kids, a guy and girl, slip into the cantina and discover a beer bong. I drug Leo up there with me to test it out and thus ended the night. I named the beer bong “Rosarita” and Leo and I professed our love to her by consuming beer after beer down her sweet plastic throat. The kids turned out to be from Palmdale, CA and their parents lived in the nearby town, Erendira. Leo disappeared, I grabbed Joe and we took off in the back of a truck with the 2 kids. The truck was the coolest thing ever. It had no windows and the back of the cab was cut out and there was a couch in the bed of the truck. Oh, and there was a random local Mexican kid sitting in the back playing PS2. Joe and I sat in the back with the local…I’d call him by his name but I have no idea what it is so I’ll refer to him as “the local.” We drove off into the night to Erendira to grab some empty cuomos (32 ounce bottles of beer) so we could return them to the store and get more. I don’t really remember the rest of the night. I know we ended up hanging out in the parking lot of the hostel and every once in a while I would turn around to see the quiet manager of the hostel sitting behind me smoking weed then he would just disappear without a word spoken. Eventually Joe and I split up from them and went off onto the beach to camp for the night. We tried to camp at the vortex but couldn’t find it so I threw my tent down on the beach and Joe went up near the hostel to camp for the night.

The next day (Friday) I was awoken by screaming dirt bikes racing by my tent and then by Joe, Marianne, and Leo. I felt horrible but was really confused so I agreed to get up and walk to the hostel with everyone. Evidently it was just in time for the “sweat lodge.” It sounded like a great idea in the condition I was in….sarcasm. And to make it even better, Two Crows was heading it! So not only was I in no shape to even be standing but I had to endure a session designed to sweat out all the toxins in my body while I listen to some jackass teach me a valuable tradition in Indian culture. I didn’t put too much thought into it and just threw my head down and lead everyone into the teepee….well, it was more of a dome covered with blankets and plastic for insulation. Two Crows….I hope you think this name is as funny as we thought. I don’t think there was a minute during the setting up of this sweat lodge that we weren’t laughing at this guy and everyone being forced to call him by this ridiculous name….told us the sweat lodge would consist of 4 rounds which would get hotter with each round and then there would be a final “warrior round.” Me being the psycho I am already decided I was doing the “warrior round” no matter how unbearable this thing would turn out to be. They threw 7 red hot stones into the middle of the teepee and sealed the door, locking us in there to bake. After the second round, Joe looked like he was going to die so him and about half of the people took off out of there. The rounds lasted for about 15 minutes each and then there was a 10 minute break after each round where they would open the door and let us cool off. Then they would throw in 7 more stones and close it up again. After 4 rounds, all but 7 of us remained – 2 Crows, his wife, an old Indian named Tom (Joe’s bongo player), a young couple, Marianne, and me. 2 Crows was already showing signs of death because he was laying on his stomach with his face in the ground gasping for air but still teaching us the ways of the Indians….that’s dedication. The warrior round was the most horrible suffering I have ever been through….well not really, but pretty damn close! I cried. It was so hot and I felt so terrible and my hands and body were so wrinkled….yeah I cried. It finally ended and we all crawled out of the furnace. According to Joe, 2 Crows’ wife looked like a rat that had fell into a bathtub and struggled for hours trying to get. All of us took unbelievably cold showers outside and went inside to eat. This will mark the second and final shower of my trip….no soap, just water. Inside we saw the half-drowned rat drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. What a great reward after a sweat lodge detox…. We hitched a ride into town in the back of Wayne’s truck so he could get some crab meat. We stopped at atleast 8 different places and kept getting directed to the wrong places but we finally got the meat….2 kilos of crab meat for $15. I think that’s worth atleast $100 in the U.S. We then left Wayne and went for a nice hike toward a beach volcano. We didn’t’ make it to the volcano because it started getting late and was difficult to hitch a ride back to Erendira. We finally got a ride and found a restaurant to eat more tacos and get some beers. After a long walk in the dark, we got back to the cantina. Leo and I played with “Rosarita” for a little while and impressed some of the people at the hostel. Joe went back to playing guitar but first came up to me and exclaimed in the most excited voice I have heard from him, “Hey man, check this out!” Before I could turn around completely to face him he had taken 1 double shot of tequila and polished it off immediately with a second. It was great. Wayne had a half full glass of tequila in his hand for Joe the whole time he played. By this time, Leo and I had recruited another beer bong enthusiast from San Diego. Eventually the kids from Palmdale showed up again and joined in the bonging and then a redneck family that owned a house by the hostel showed up and joined in as well. I witnessed a lady around 50 or so bong 2 beers at one time….while seated at her bar stool. Her kids and grand kids didn’t look surprised at all. My buddy from San Diego had made numerous attempts to join his friends and go to sleep but I kept refusing and drug him out in the parking lot to hang out with the kids from Palmdale and their crew of 20 locals….yeah, I don’t know where they came from. In the middle of the chaos he managed to slip away by saying to Leo, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” He was never seen again for the remainder of the trip. Leo miraculously kept up with me the whole night until we both walked out to our tents to sleep….well he slept in a tent and I just jumped in my sleeping bag and slept in the sand.

The next day (Saturday) Leo and Marianne went for a hike to the volcano that we didn’t make it to the previous day and Joe, Wayne, and I cooked our crab meat along with mussels that Wayne had found for us. It came out really good…..especially with the mounds of butter we used! After lunch we packed our stuff up and hitched a ride with Wayne into town to meet up with Marianne and Leo. Joe and I ate a few fish tacos, then purchased a Cuomo each and sat outside a store to watch the people in the town. While we were sitting there we saw a car full of 7 year olds drive by swerving all over the road. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen….only in Mexico! Eventually we met up with Marianne and Leo. As we were getting ready to leave some crazy lady came running down the road screaming with blood all over herself. Joe tried to talk to her but she was too out of it to say what the problem was. Then a fat guy with no shirt on riding on a 4 wheeler came zipping by, grabbed the bleeding lady, and they took off for the clinic. With that strange, random event we ended our vacation and took off for San Diego. We stopped briefly in Ensenada again and then made it to San Diego. Joe and I jumped in my car and took off to Blythe, AZ while Marianne and Leo stayed at a hostel in Ocean Beach. Joe and I were going to sleep on top of these big hay stacks we found but Joe didn’t think it was a good idea….and it probably wasn’t. So instead I pulled off at Blythe and we stayed across the street from a gas station in what turned out to be an RV park. The next day we woke up to loud traffic and RV’s and took off for Tucson. On the way we stopped to have a world famous “date shake” in Dateland, AZ.

The end.

A Weekend in Strawberry, Arizona

So here is the whole story of Joe and my adventure to Strawberry, AZ (the name of the town really ties the story together). The story didn’t actually take place in Strawberry, it was really in Payson, but Strawberry sounds much better and the town consisted of everything one could ever want – a cheap log cabin hotel, 3 bars and random antique shops containing trinkets from Fostoria, OH. Anyway, the purpose of the journey to Payson was for Joe (crazy teacher guy) and me to go hiking – which turned out to have some amazing natural wonders. We got there on a Saturday night so we looked around for the cheapest, dirtiest hotel possible (the Budget Inn) and then went on a search for something to do. Payson has nothing in it except fast food places, hotels, a Wal-Mart…..and yes, a casino. We decided on the casino because it had a free shuttle that would pick us up at our hotel and drive us back later. After chugging down a couple Hurricanes we purchased from the cross-eyed girl at the gas station we rode our shuttle to the casino. This casino was the smallest casino I have ever seen. It consisted of one large room full of slot machines, a bar and a room for black jack and hold ‘em. We immediately went to the bar and ordered Smirnoff vodka drinks for $2.50 each! Joe, of course, took a double vodka on the rocks. We walked around the slot room and noticed that at least 1 out of 5 people were lugging around oxygen tanks and breathing through respirators. We even so one old lady pull her respirator out so she could smoke a cigarette….I told Joe, “That’s perseverance at its finest.” The goal of the night was to win our money for the $60 hotel back. Joe started aimlessly throwing nickels into a slot machine and lost a couple bucks. He then decided to up the anti and start shoving 20’s into the dollar slot machines. I left him for a while to check if the casino had anything more to offer, but of course I came up empty. When I returned to Joe, I found him counting his winnings which totaled up to about $30. I was dumbfounded and told him to stop playing and keep the money since he had achieved his goal of paying for his share of the room. I put my name in on the Hold ‘em table and waited….and waited…..Then, as if magically, I found myself really, really drunk when my name was finally called. I have only played online so I didn’t know the rules. I was throwing all my chips in the pot and trying to go all-in but I guess you can’t in this casino game. I’m sure everyone was amused by my antics. That and every time the waitress was in site I was screaming at her for another drink – except I could never remember what I was drinking (even though I was drinking screwdrivers all night). Either these old guys at the table were really bad or I was really lucky cuz I ended up killing them all. I won a couple small hands and then one really big hand. As I fell over the table to hoard all of my chips over to myself, I looked at the dealer and said, “Heyyy buddddy, I’lm outt.” He helped me rack the chips which ended up being a little over $100 – I think. There were a few chips left over so I gave them to the dealer. I’m not sure how many were there but he seemed pretty pleased with it. He gave me a wad of cash and I staggered my way back to my home (the bar). I found Joe sitting there talking to some old lounge singer about music and places to hike so I got up and went to the restroom. When I came back the bartender gave me my credit card back and told me to get out. According to me, I was kicked out for dominating everyone in my card game. But Joe claims there were security guards and police watching me stagger my way to the bathroom and decided that I was no longer welcome in the casino. This was a defining moment in my life as I have never been kicked out of my first bar/casino. In the van on the way back to the hotel I remembered it was Mrs. Sarah Kolks’ birthday so I had all the old people take out their respirators and sing “happy birthday.”

And if that night wasn’t great enough, breakfast at a random diner the next day topped it. But before I get into this story, let me tell you what I found before me when I opened my eyes after a long, drunken sleep. I heard singing and jumping in the room as I regained consciousness. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw Joe standing over me on my bed wearing skin tight navy long john pants and shirt. He was standing with his hands on his hips and legs spread with his chest perched out as if proud of his appearance. He then started singing at the top of his lungs, “Dancerrrrrrr, Prancerrrrrrr, Underpantserrrrrrrr!”

He then jumped off of my bed and began prancing around the room singing this ridiculous song of his. This song and dance routine entertained me for at least 10 minutes until his mood changed and he complained that we wouldn’t be able to hike because I had slept too long. Oh, and for the rest of the day Joe talked in third person and referred to himself as “Dancer Prancer Underpantser.” To this day, he still responds to the name and will prance around gaily if you call him it.

Now, I will continue on with the remainder of the story. Words cannot explain what Joe and I saw in this diner the next day but I will try my best. As soon as we walked in to this place, we knew we had hit the jackpot. It was overly crowded as any good diner would be on a Sunday morning so we sat at the bar area. Our waitress was mean and terrible – just as we had hoped. We ordered our food and then took a glance at the creatures around us. We discovered that we were in a different world in this place. There were cowboys – the handle bar moustaches, hats, button-up shirts, tight pants (I saw some chaps too) and boots kind of cowboys (the real thing). There were also a couple “bruisers” in there – the gigantic, bald-headed guys that always seem to be in a bad mood and wanting to fight something. The women all had feathered hair with a perm and bangs, cowboy shirts, tight pants, and cowboy boots. These descriptions described everyone in the diner….not just one or two. The fellars next to us just happened to be talking about artificially inseminating cows. We got our food relatively fast but ended up staying in this place for well over an hour so that we could absorb just what the hell was going on. I am sure that if we were to ever return to this diner these people wouldn’t be there. This was just one of those cases where you step out of the realm of reality and enter a completely bizarre world.

I hope this story entertained you as much as it did us, having lived through it.